Shame & Guilt by Jane Middelton-Moz

Author:Jane Middelton-Moz
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Health Communications Inc
Published: 2020-08-30T00:00:00+00:00

20. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.

A child who grows up in a shaming environment is not allowed his or her own autonomy. The child does not learn trust or belief in self. The child, therefore, remains dependent on the actions, words and feelings of others for approval and survival. As an adult, that child either becomes overly dependent on others or counter-dependent (a defense against feeling dependency).

Chameleon felt dependent on Giant, then Perfect, for her sense of self. Giant, on the other hand, was counter-dependent. He chose a partner who needed him. He could, therefore, feel in control of everything in his world without acknowledging his needs and dependency. As the story unfolded, however, one could clearly see that Giant was dependent on Chameleon’s need to adore and be dependent upon him.

The dependent individual seems to say, “I can’t do anything on my own.” The counter-dependent individual seems to say, “I can do it myself, thank you,” or “No one can do it as well as I can.” If Perfect had not recovered from her debilitating shame, she would have had to live alone, dependent on the approval of others in her world or married a Chameleon who would need and adore her to disavow the feared feelings of dependency in herself.

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